


The Jossverse Flute

by kattahj



Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Die Zauberflöte | The Magic Flute - Mozart/Schikaneder
Genre: Crossover, F/M, Humor, Parody, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-03-25
Updated: 2002-03-25
Packaged: 2017-11-08 14:41:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/444285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kattahj/pseuds/kattahj
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prince Angelino is sent on a mission by the Queen of the Joyce to rescure her daughter Buffina from the evil SarGileso. But things aren't quite like they seem...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Jossverse Flute

CAST:

Angelino, Prince of Los Angeles  
Buffina, daughter of the Queen of the Joyce, Princess  
SarGileso, wizard, leader of the Temple  
The Queen of the Joyce  
Papaxander, bird catcher  
Papacordy, young girl  
Three ladies, servants of the Queen:  
Lady Willow  
Lady Anya  
Lady Dawn  
Three boys:  
Boy Wesley  
Boy Doyle  
Boy Gunn  
Monospikeos, servant of SarGileso, vampire  
Kendra, priestess at the Temple  
Faith, priestess at the Temple  
Jenny, priestess at the Temple  
Riley, Soldier at the Temple  
Graham, Soldier at the temple  
The Host Speaker

**********

ACT I

**********

Prince Angelino is trying to fight a dragon, but failing miserably. He tries to flee.

ANGELINO: Oh, help me, oh help me, or I am lost! This dragon is too smart for me, it's going to kill me. Please, PTB, have mercy on me! It's coming closer. Oh, save me, protect me, save me...

Three bolts of lightning hit the dragon, coming from the skilful magic of three veiled ladies. Angelino, on the other hand, has fainted.

LADY WILLOW: Die, you monster!

LADY ANYA: Ha, we're stronger than him!

LADY DAWN: We're so cool! We're heroes, and we have saved the prince!

They move closer to Angelino.

LADY WILLOW: Now, that's what I call a cute guy.

LADY ANYA: Never seen one prettier.

LADY DAWN: Actually, I like Papaxander better.

Silence.

LADY WILLOW: Papaxander isn't even in the play yet.

LADY ANYA: She has a point though.

LADY WILLOW: Anya! Dawn, stick to the script, will you?

LADY DAWN: Okay, okay. He's a regular poster boy all right.

ALL LADIES: If I ever fell in love, he would be the one I'd want. Let's go to the Queen and tell her about this. Perhaps he's the one to give her back her peace.

LADY WILLOW: You go and tell her, I'll stay here.

LADY ANYA: No, you two head along, I'll stay and watch over him.

LADY DAWN: No, that's a stupid idea, I should be the one to protect him.

LADY WILLOW: I'll stay...

LADY ANYA: I'll watch...

LADY DAWN: I'll protect...

LADIES: I! I! I! (To themselves) What do you know, they want me to go. But I won't! No way I'm going to leave them here alone with him. Oh no, I'm not leaving. Oh, what I would give to be the one to get him. If I could just get some time alone with him... but nobody leaves. Oh well, I guess I have to go, then. Bye, my sweet little darling, I guess I'll be seeing you around.

They all leave. Papaxander arrives on a small path. He's carrying a birdcage on his back. His clothes are green and decorated with feathers, and he blows a Pan pipe to attract a little bird.

PAPAXANDER: I'm a bird catcher, and I like my job. Everyone knows me, I have a good trade, I play my pipe, I catch the birds, and then it's all joy joy joy for me. Only problem is, I can't catch any *girls* with this stupid thing. Now, what I would like to have is a net for girls, then I'd catch them by the dozen and lock them up in a room with me. They'd be all mine.

Angelino wakes up so suddenly the bird flies off.

PAPAXANDER: Oh, great going, deadboy! Now you scared the bird.

ANGELINO: What do you want birds for anyway?

PAPAXANDER: I catch birds for the Queen of the Joyce. What's it to you?

ANGELINO: This is her country? I must have gotten lost, then. (Looks around.) Have you seen her?

PAPAXANDER: Seen the Queen of the Joyce? Are you nuts? Do you think she walks around showing herself to people? (Pause) What are you staring at?

ANGELINO (disbelieving): Now I get it. You're the one who saved me from the dragon, aren't you?

PAPAXANDER starts laughing: Dragon! (Sees the dragon and screams like a girl. Pause.) Well, the important thing is that it's dead.

ANGELINO: How did you do it? You don't have any weapons?

PAPAXANDER: Well, uhm... I didn't need weapons, because... I'm a lot stronger than you think. I can kill a dragon with my bare hands these days.

The three ladies suddenly reappear out of nowhere.

LADIES: Papaxander! Papaxander! Papaxander!

Papaxander is startled by their sudden presence. He smiles, embarrassed with the situation, and the ladies giggle.

LADY WILLOW: I think we'll try something new today. So instead of soda, how about some nice, fresh water?

She pours it over his head.

LADY ANYA: And instead of candy bars, how about stones?

Papaxander reaches for his candy bars, that have indeed turned into stones.

LADY DAWN: And instead of hamburgers, I'm honoured to give you this padlock for your mouth.

The ladies clasp the padlock over the terrified Papaxander's lips. Then they promptly ignore him and instead turn to Angelino. They're now very serious, whispering to him in dreamlike voices as they give him Buffina's picture, cut out from a milk carton.

LADY ANYA: Prince Angelino, be still.

LADY WILLOW: Our queen wants you to see this photograph. It's a picture of her daughter.

LADY DAWN: If it turns out you like her, you'll be the hero of the day and get lots of money.

Angelino looks at the picture of the beautiful young Buffina. He is completely mesmerised, and by the ladies' magic the picture seems almost alive.

ANGELINO: She's more beautiful than anybody I have seen... than anybody *anybody* has seen. This picture... she fills me with these strange new emotions. I haven't felt anything like it, and yet I'm 247 years old! I don't know what to call it, it's like fire... love? Oh, yes, it has to be love, nothing else. Oh, I wish I could find her, that she was here! I would... I'd be all warm and... I'd hold her close and never bite her, she'd be mine forever!

LADY DAWN: Well, you've drawn the lucky number now!

LADY WILLOW: The Queen heard you. Every word.

LADY ANYA: She even heard your feelings.

LADY DAWN: So now she finally figures Buffina will be rescued.

ANGELINO: Rescued?

LADY WILLOW: Ah... yes, it just so happens this mighty wizard... demon!... has kidnapped her.

ANGELINO: Kidnapped?

LADY WILLOW: She was just dozing away on the schoolyard during recess one day in May, when SarGileso came...

ANGELINO: SarGileso?

LADY DAWN: Yup, SarGileso. He's the biggest bad there is. He's a shapeshifter and everything! He tricked Buffina to come to him, pretending to be a librarian.

ANGELINO: I'll rescue her! I promise, by my love!

LADY WILLOW: Listen, Angelino! Do you hear that thunder?

LADY DAWN: Do you see the light behind the houses over there?

LADY ANYA: It's our Queen coming.

The distant thunder is coming closer, the light turns brighter, although never too bright. Instead, it settles like bright stars in the dark sky around the Queen of the Joyce, sitting on her throne surrounded by many ladies. She hurries up to Angelino, graceful in her movements and with a worried yet hopeful expression on her face. She takes Angelino's hands.

QUEEN OF THE JOYCE: Don't be afraid now, son. You're a good man... sorry, vampire... and wise, and a warrior of the PTB. Someone like you would be just right to comfort me. My daughter has been kidnapped, and I'm so sad and worried all my happiness is gone. That horrible man that took her away! I was down in the street and saw it all, she screamed -- and she never screams, she's such a brave girl. She was so frightened, tried to fight him but couldn't, crying for help. But I couldn't help her! I don't have any magical powers like her, I'm just a mother. You, on the other hand, can release her. You'll save the day, and once you have I'll let you marry her.

She looks at Angelino in determination. He slowly nods, and a satisfied smile spreads over her face. She and her ladies disappear, save the three that are always around -- although not always visible. Right now, Angelino can't see them.

ANGELINO: Am I dreaming or something? Surely this can't all be true?

During all this time, nobody has noticed Papaxander, who is now making himself known.

PAPAXANDER: Mmm mmm mmm mmm...

ANGELINO (trying to hide his amusement): Oh, poor guy, you can't talk with that thing in there. They really punished you bad, didn't you?

PAPAXANDER (anxious): Mmm mmm mmm mmm...

ANGELINO: I'm sorry, I really am, but I don't see what I can do about it.

PAPAXANDER (annoyed): Mmm mmm mmm mmm!

ANGELINO: Nothing I can do!

The ladies are visible again.

LADY WILLOW: Good news! The Queen has pardoned you, no more padlock!

She takes the padlock away from his mouth.

PAPAXANDER: Papaxander can talk again!

LADY ANYA: Yes, but you're not supposed to *lie* again!

PAPAXANDER: Who, me? Never again, I swear!

LADIES: The padlock should have been a warning!

PAPAXANDER: It certainly was.

ALL: You know, if all liars were padlocked maybe there would be more love and compassion instead of slander and hate.

LADY WILLOW: Oh, before I forget: Angelino, here's a present from the Queen. It's a magic flute to protect you and help you when you're in danger.

LADIES: With this you will rule! You can change what people love and hate, make sad people happy and give girls to the lone rangers.

ALL: That's better than money and high ratings, because it makes people happier and more content.

The flute floats through the sky towards Angelino. For a moment it pauses near Papaxander, but when the birdcatcher tries to grab it, it hurries on and lays itself in Angelino's hands.

PAPAXANDER: Ladies, I think it's time I leave. See ya!

LADIES: No, wait a sec! You can leave, but with the Prince. The Queen wants you to go with him to SarGileso.

PAPAXANDER: What!? Forget it. I'm not going up against some big bad demon. I bet he's going to pluck me and roast me and serve me to his bunch of minion hellhounds.

LADIES: Well, Angelino will protect you, you'll be his servant.

PAPAXANDER: Him! He can go back to hell for all I care. I want to stay alive, and I don't really think deadboy's going to stick by my side.

LADY WILLOW: But we have a present for you, too.

Papaxander is curious at the box she hands him.

PAPAXANDER: What's in it? (Shakes it.)

LADIES: It's a music box, there are bells in it.

PAPAXANDER: Bells? Can I play them?

LADIES: Of course, stupid, just wind it up.

ALL: Silver bells and magic flutes are what you/we need to be safe on this trip. So long, see you later, but we have to go now!

ANGELINO: But wait a minute, what about...

PAPAXANDER: Where's the castle?

The three ladies look at each other, but before they have time to answer, three boys fall down from the sky, screaming wildly. They stop some distance above the ground.

BOY GUNN: Man, that was harsh.

BOY DOYLE: Tell me about it. I knew I should have stayed dead the moment they started talking about Papaxander hitching it up with Papacordy.

BOY GUNN: He's gonna do that?

BOY WESLEY: Please, can't we just stick to the script and get this over with as fast as possible?

BOYS: Three clever and handsome young guys will help you on the trip. They will be your guides, and you should follow their advice.

BOY WESLEY: Ha! That would be a first.

BOY GUNN: Now who isn't sticking to the script?

BOY DOYLE: What I don't understand is why we're talking about ourselves in third person.

ANGELINO AND PAPAXANDER: Three clever and handsome young guys will help us on the trip. (With the boys) Bye now, gotta go!

**********

Change of scene. It is a palace garden at night time, and the vampire Monospikeos, really pissed off, comes in to see Buffina.

MONOSPIKEOS: You're mine now, Slayer!

BUFFINA: Shit! What are you trying to do, give me a heart attack?

MONOSPIKEOS: No getting away this time!

BUFFINA: You think I'm afraid of dying? All I worry about is mom. She's so protective of me, she'll probably die too if I do.

MONOSPIKEOS: I'll lock you in and you'll never ever escape.

BUFFINA: Can't we just move on to the killing? Because there's no way I'm ever having sex with you.

MONOSPIKEOS (noticing the number of minions around): Get out, you idiots, we want to be alone!

He puts on his gameface and turns to Buffina, but is interrupted by Papaxander, who is climbing over the wall.

PAPAXANDER: I wonder whose house this is? Hey, isn't that Buffina? I'd better jump down. Hello, baby, what's up?

He sees Monospikeos.

PAPAXANDER AND MONOSPIKEOS: Ah! It's the devil!

PAPAXANDER: Don't kill me, please! Have mercy!

MONOSPIKEOS: Mercy, me? Get out!

Monspikeos shuffles Papaxander out and leaves himself, but as he closes the door, Papaxander sneaks in again without him noticing it. Buffina, on the other hand, sees Papaxander.

BUFFINA: Who are you?

PAPAXANDER: I'm a messenger of the Queen of the Joyce.

BUFFINA: From my mother? What's your name?

PAPAXANDER: Papaxander... wait a sec... (Pulls a folded photograph from his back pocket.) Let's see now. Beautiful eyes — yup, they're beautiful. A bit on the red side, but that can be helped. Blonde hair — blonde. Red lips — yes, they're red alright. It's all there! (Frowns) Except feet. According to this picture, you shouldn't have feet.

BUFFINA (grabbing the picture): Where did you get that?

PAPAXANDER: Long story. I'm carrying it for deadb... I mean, the Prince.

BUFFINA: Prince of what?

Papaxander has finally noticed there's some food around, and is stuffing his face with buns, but he hauls up another photograph and hands it to Buffina.

PAPAXANDER: I don't really know. Your mom likes him though, she has told him to go rescue you from SarGileso. I just happened to come first. Angelino is in love with you.

BUFFINA: Angelino... He's in love with me? Shouldn't be here, then? It's a bit lame to have a servant doing the rescuing part.

PAPAXANDER: I am not his servant! Anyway, we split up for a while. Then I started following this bird... and ended up here.

BUFFINA: What time is it?

PAPAXANDER: I don't know. It's getting lighter.

BUFFINA: Oh! Then SarGileso will come back from the patrolling any minute. Come on, we have to go!

PAPAXANDER: But wasn't that SarGileso, watching over you just now, the guy who locked you in and...

BUFFINA: No, that's Monospikeos, his servant. You wouldn't believe what he...

PAPAXANDER: Oh, I'd believe it. He looked like a...

BUFFINA: Believe me, he is. Come on, gotta go!

She starts pushing him over the wall, but suddenly stops.

BUFFINA: You're not tricking me, are you? I mean, you're not one of SarGileso's evil spirits?

PAPAXANDER: I an evil spirit? I'm the nicest spirit in the world!

BUFFINA: Sorry, didn't mean to hurt you. You have a good heart, I can tell. Beating, too.

PAPAXANDER: Of course I have a good heart. Now, come on, get going! Besides, I don't see what I need a heart for. I feel like moulting when I remember that Papaxander has no Papacordy.

BUFFINA: No wife?

PAPAXANDER: Not even a girlfriend. I'm a happy sort of guy, I'd like a bit of... a bit of...

BUFFINA: Don't worry, I bet the PTB will give you a girl one day. (Papaxander looks at her.) *Not* me.

PAPAXANDER: Yeah, okay, but you know... if she's not...

BUFFINA: A man who is in love always has a kind heart.

PAPAXANDER: And the woman has to follow that instinct, as well.

BOTH: We gotta enjoy love, it's what we live for.

BUFFINA: It makes the trials easier, and everyone makes sacrifices for it.

PAPAXANDER: It's all according to nature, and it certainly helps the ratings.

BUFFINA: There's nothing like it, nothing higher than a man and woman loving each other and seeking godliness.

They both run away from the palace.

**********

Change of scene to three Temples next to each other, with Angelino going from one to the other. The signs on the temples read "SarGileso university: courses in Kickass, Wisdom and Good Acting". He goes to the door on the left, opens it, and is about to go in.

VOICE: Stand back!

ANGELINO: Stand back? Okay, I'll try here then. (Tries the door on the right.)

VOICE: Stand back!

ANGELINO: "Stand back" again! Well, there's one more door, I'll try that one.

He opens the door in the middle and goes inside. The Host Speaker is in there, trying to fix his karaokemachine.

HOST SPEAKER: Hello, tall dark and handsome, what brings you to this place of higher powers?

ANGELINO: Love and virtue's just reward.

HOST SPEAKER: Nicely put, and I love this entire opera thing you've got going, but I'm afraid you're not very honest with me. It's not love and virtue I see in you, more like death and revenge.

ANGELINO: Well, yeah, I want to kill the bad guy.

HOST SPEAKER: No bad guy here.

ANGELINO: SarGileso rules in these parts, doesn't he?

HOST SPEAKER: He sure does!

ANGELINO (struck by a thought): But not in the temple of wisdom, right?

HOST SPEAKER: He rules in all the temples.

ANGELINO: But then... it's all hypocrisy!

He gets up, ready to rush out, but the Host Speaker puts a hand on his arm.

HOST SPEAKER: Easy now, peaches, leaving already?

ANGELINO: Yeah, I'm leaving, and I'd be happy never to see your temple again.

HOST SPEAKER: Now, you'll have to explain that, because I think you're mistaken.

ANGELINO: SarGileso rules this place! That's all I need to know.

HOST SPEAKER: That's a dangerous attitude. You'd better stay around. Let me get this straight, you hate SarGileso?

ANGELINO: Do I ever!

HOST SPEAKER: Okay, any reasons for that?

ANGELINO: He's a monster and a tyrant!

HOST SPEAKER: Oooh! You got any proof of that?

ANGELINO: I got the proof of a woman crying her eyes out because of him.

HOST SPEAKER: You're far too trusting of pretty blondes, you know that? It seems they can sweet talk you into anything. If only SarGileso could explain to you what he wants to do...

ANGELINO: Oh, I know what he wants to do! He kidnapped Buffina from her mother, didn't he?

HOST SPEAKER: Well, yes, that's true.

ANGELINO: So, where is she? Has he sacrificed her to some demon?

HOST SPEAKER: I'm afraid I'm not allowed to tell you.

ANGELINO: Oh, no. Don't get that game started again. "You have to figure it out for yourself." None of that, you hear me?

HOST SPEAKER: I promised not to let you find out yet.

ANGELINO (sighs): So when will I find out?

HOST SPEAKER: As soon as you're led by friendship into this holy brotherhood.

The Host Speaker retires further into the temple, leaving Angelino alone in anguish.

ANGELINO: This night lasts forever! When will the day come? When will I get to see the light?

VOICES: Soon, soon, or never again.

ANGELINO: Interesting choices. Can you tell me one thing, invisible ones, is Buffina even alive?

VOICES: Buffina is alive!

ANGELINO: She lives! She lives! Oh, thank you for telling me! If only it were possible. PTB, I swear I thank you so very much, from my unbeating heart.

He brings out his flute and starts playing. All sorts of animals and creatures stop and gather around him to listen. As soon as he stops playing, they run away again. Birds sing with his flute.

ANGELINO: You really have some strong magic, pal. Even the wild animals are happy when they hear you. You *really* have some strong magic... (halts himself) But Buffina stays away! Buffina! Do you listen? Oh, it's hopeless. Where will I find you?

He plays again, and suddenly a second instrument joins him, a Pan pipe.

ANGELINO: Ah, that's Papaxander's pipe! (Plays again, and Papaxander replies) Perhaps he has seen Buffina already, perhaps she's with him and if I play the sound will lead me to her.

**********

Change of scene. Buffina and Papaxander are running through the palace.

BUFFINA AND PAPAXANDER: If we run fast and keep brave, we'll be safe from all clever and raging enemies. If only we can find Angelino, then we will be safe.

BUFFINA: Pretty brave!

PAPAXANDER: Hush! I can do better.

He plays his pipe and Angelino answers from within on his flute.

BUFFINA AND PAPAXANDER: Isn't that wonderful? Our friend Angelino hears us already! That was the sound of the flute. It'd be great if I could find him! Now, hurry up, hurry up. It'd be great!

Monospikeos suddenly shows up in front of them. He has been watching all along, playing cat-and-mouse with them.

MONOSPIKEOS (mocking them): Hurry up, hurry up! Ha! You're caught now, Slayer! Now, get me my railroad spikes and I'll show you some manners. Trying to trick me, are you? Minions, come here, tie them up for me!

BUFFINA AND PAPAXANDER: Shit, we're dead now!

The minions bring in some chains.

PAPAXANDER: Nothing to lose here! Come on now, music box, let's hear you play, at least it might make their ears ring.

He starts playing the bells. Immediately, Monospikeos and his minions start singing and dancing, hypnotised by the sound.

MONOSPIKEOS AND MINIONS: That sounds awesome! It's really pretty! La-ra-la la la! I never heard or saw anything like it! La-ra-la la la...

They dance off.

BUFFINA AND PAPAXANDER: If all good guys had bells like these, all baddies would disappear without a fight. There would be no more patrolling but all great nights at the Bronze. Nothing like friendship to take the pain away, and without it there's no happiness.

There's the sound of trumpets and drums, indicating the arrival of some very important person.

PRIESTS AND PEOPLE: Long live SarGileso! He rules!

PAPAXANDER: What does that mean? I'm getting scared here!

BUFFINA: Buddy, we're doomed! It's SarGileso himself coming!

PAPAXANDER: I wish I could turn myself into a rat like Amy and hide somewhere. Or a snail! I could be a snail and creep into my house. Why didn't I learn some useful magic when I had the chance? Come on, Buffina, what are we going to say?

BUFFINA: The truth, no matter what they think of it.

A long convoy is coming in, full of people of all shapes and sizes waving flags. SarGileso enters in a limo with four metal lions on the hood. He is returning from his patrol, followed by combat boys.

PRIESTS AND PEOPLE: Yay SarGileso! Long live SarGileso! We're happy to follow his orders. May he always be the wise guy. He's the man, we all dig SarGileso.

BUFFINA (bows her head to SarGileso): I'm afraid I've been doing some bad stuff. I tried to get away from you and my destiny. But it's not really my fault, it was that icky vampire who tried to grope me. That's the only reason I fled.

SarGileso has left the limo and sat down on a throne his people have brought in.

SARGILESO: Stop moping, dear Buffina, and don't be afraid. I know you, you don't have to tell me anything. You're in love, which is fine, but I can't let you go off on your own.

BUFFINA: But what about my mom? I have duties as a daughter, too! My mom...

SARGILESO: ...I can control. If I left you with her you'd never be happy.

BUFFINA: I love my mom! She's the one...

SARGILESO: She's a proud woman! I'm the one to lead you, I or Angelino, because she doesn't know what she's talking about!

Monospikeos enters, dragging in Angelino.

MONOSPIKEOS: Come on, you big poof! This is SarGileso, our Lord.

BUFFINA (seeing Angelino): It's he!

ANGELINO: It's she!

BUFFINA: I don't believe it!

ANGELINO: It's really she!

BUFFINA: It's really he!

ANGELINO: And I'm not dreaming!

BUFFINA AND ANGELINO: Oh, I'll hold you now like it's the last time ever.

They hurry up to each other and hug.

PRIESTS AND PEOPLE: Here they go again...

MONOSPIKEOS : How dare you? Get off her! This is going way too far! (He knocks them apart and kneels before SarGileso.) See? Kneeling at your feet, here. I want him to pay! He's completely shameless, that one! He was all planning to take the Slayer away from you, but I knew how to track him down, alright! You know me. Always vigilant...

SARGILESO: ...and always rewarded! Make sure this honourable vampire...

MONOSPIKEOS: You're such a great guy!

SARGILESO: ...is beaten up properly.

MONOSPIKEOS: What!? Whatever, I can deal with that.

SARGILESO: And give him a chip in the head.

MONOSPIKEOS: No! That is so unfair!

SARGILESO: It's my duty, so you don't have to thank me.

PRIESTS AND PEOPLE: Long live SarGileso, the unbelievably wise guy! He hands out both rewards and punishments.

SARGILESO: Take the two strangers into the examination temple, but blindfold them until they're purified.

PRIESTS AND PEOPLE: When virtue and justice rules, earth is like heaven and mortals like gods.

During the praise, Angelino and Papaxander are blindfolded and taken out. Buffina makes a move as if to stop it all, but SarGileso holds her back and hugs her.

**********

ACT II

**********

SarGileso and his priests and priestesses are sitting around a table, nine priests on each side of him. From this place, they can watch everything that goes on in the temples. SarGileso rises from his seat and addresses the others.

SARGILESO: Friends, Britons, countrymen... sorry, wrong play. This meeting is one of the most important ones we have ever had. Prince Angelino, the souled vampire, is waiting by the north gate to get rid of the night and see our light: kickass, wisdom and great acting. Today, it is our duty to watch over him and help him.

PRIESTESS KENDRA: Is he a good guy?

SARGILESO: He is!

PRIESTESS FAITH: Is he fearless?

SARGILESO: He is!

PRIESTESS JENNY: What about discreet? Can he keep his mouth shut?

SARGILESO (nods): You find him worthy, don't you?

PRIEST(ESSE)S: Yes!

SARGILESO: Buffina, my Slayer, is destined for Angelino. That's the reason I took her away from her arrogant mother. That woman thinks too highly of herself, and hopes to trick and misinform the people into destroying our temple. I will not let that happen! Angelino and Buffina will keep the temple strong.

PRIESTESS KENDRA: Let me get this straight, you want Angelino and Buffina to rule our realm together?

SARGILESO: Wisdom begins in true love between two people. It's an even more well-known fact than "sex is bad". That's why I wish to retire and hand my power over to Angelino and Buffina - if they turn out to be worthy and pass all the tests, that is. Do you approve of my decision?

PRIEST(ESSE)S: Yes!

SARGILESO: Oh, PTB, give wisdom to this pair. You lead us all, give them patience when they are in danger.

PRIEST(ESSE)S: Give them patience when they are in danger.

SARGILESO: Help them get through the trials. If they die, reward them for their courage and send them back in times of low ratings.

PRIEST(ESSE)S: Send them back in times of low ratings.

SARGILESO: Now, let Angelino and his servant into the house of trials.

**********

Kendra and Faith leave, and the others watch with great interest as the two of them lead Papaxander and Angelino to the house of trials, blindfolded. They're on the yard of the temple, and there are ruins of fallen pyramids, all overgrown with flowers.

PRIESTESS KENDRA: You stand now on the threshold of the house of trials. You may still turn back, but take one more step and it is too late.

ANGELINO: I want to be wise, kick-ass and a good actor. Buffina's love is a bonus to that.

PRIESTESS KENDRA: So you're ready for the three tests?

ANGELINO: Yes!

PRIESTESS FAITH (to Papaxander): Do you want to fight to get wisdom, kick-ass and good acting?

PAPAXANDER: Faith! I haven't seen you since... hm, never mind. What was the question?

PRIESTESS FAITH: Do. You. Want. To. Fight. To. Get. Wisdom. Kick-ass. And. Good. Acting.

PAPAXANDER: No thanks. If I can just eat and drink and sleep, that's enough for me.

PRIESTESS FAITH: What if we could get you a girl? (He looks at her.) *Not* me. A pretty girl on the right side of the law.

PAPAXANDER: Yes, thank you! (Recalling the tests.) No... no, thank you.

PRIESTESS FAITH: Do I have to spell it out for you? SarGileso has a girl all set up for you, are you going to say no? She even wears those stupid feathery clothes, just like you.

PAPAXANDER: Just like me... Just like me? Is she young?

PRIESTESS FAITH: Young and pretty!

PAPAXANDER: What's her name?

Priestess Faith mutters and goes through her pockets, finally finding a scribbled note.

PRIESTESS FAITH: Papa...cordy? Papacordy.

PAPAXANDER: What? Papa...

PRIESTESS FAITH: Papacordy, alright?

PAPAXANDER: Papacordy? Now, that makes me curious. Can I see her just once?

PRIESTESS FAITH: Sure you can see her. Just not talk to her. Not until you've passed the three tests. Can you really keep your mouth shut that long?

PAPAXANDER: Of course I can!

PRIESTESS FAITH: Fine, get inside then, and take a look.

As Angelino and Papaxander go inside, thunder starts to roll.

PRIESTESS KENDRA: Soon you will meet your first trial.

The priestesses go away, carrying their torches with them, and leaving the poor boys in almost complete darkness.

PAPAXANDER: Hasn't it gotten terribly dark?

The three ladies suddenly appear out of nowhere.

LADIES: What are you doing here? This is a terrible place, you'll never ever get out again! Angelino, you'll die in here! Papaxander, you're lost!

PAPAXANDER: No! No. No... that's just too much!

ANGELINO: Will you shut up? You're not supposed to talk to them.

PAPAXANDER: Didn't you hear them? We're going to die!

ANGELINO: I said shut up!

Papaxander imitates him, obviously irritated.

LADIES: The Queen is here, she sneaked into the temple.

PAPAXANDER: How? What? In this temple?

ANGELINO: Be quiet! You promised to! Do you always forget your promises so easily?

LADIES: Angelino, you're certainly dust now. Remember the Queen! We've heard an awful lot about these false priests.

ANGELINO: A wise man doesn't listen to gossip.

LADIES: It's said that if you join their brotherhood, they sacrifice you to a Hellgod.

PAPAXANDER: That's absolutely outrageous! (Pause) Angelino... is it true?

ANGELINO: It's all just hearsay and lies.

PAPAXANDER: But if the Queen says so, too...

ANGELINO: She's just a weak, jealous woman. Now, let's shut up and listen no more to this. Remember your duty.

LADIES (To Angelino): Why are you so shy all of a sudden? (To Papaxander) You're not speaking either. Talk to us!

PAPAXANDER (whispers): Well, I'd really like to...

ANGELINO: Sh!

PAPAXANDER: ...See, I'm not allowed to...

ANGELINO: Sh!

PAPAXANDER: Okay, so I can't stop talking. Bad me.

ANGELINO: If you can't stop talking I agree: Bad you!

LADIES: Well, we might just give up right here and now, because they're certainly not talking.

ALL: We/you might as well leave, because they're/we're certainly not talking. A strong-willed man always thinks before he speaks.

Thunder roars and there are bolts of lightning.

PRIEST(ESSE)S (from within): The temple is being profaned! To hell with these ladies!

LADIES: Oh crap!

They disappear in the thunder and lightning.

PAPAXANDER: Oh crap! Oh crap...

He falls to the ground. The priestesses Kendra and Faith appear, and Faith pulls him up.

PRIESTESS FAITH: What's the matter with you? Get up, pull yourself together and be a man!

PAPAXANDER: Fine! I'll get up, pull myself together and be a man. But would you then *kindly* tell me what the use is of all this? If SarGileso or the PTB or whoever wants me to have Papacordy, what's with all the dangers?

PRIESTESS FAITH: It's my job to take you further. Unfortunately. Come on!

PAPAXANDER: This sort of stuff can kill love, you know.

PRIESTESS FAITH: Come on!

**********

Change of scene into a beautiful garden at night. Out here there is no thunder, only moonlight. Buffina is asleep on a bed, and it's all quiet... until Monospikeos enters.

MONOSPIKEOS: Everyone has their lovers, they get to flirt and snog, but I'm never getting any, just cause I'm a real vamp and no stupid soulboy. So I don't have feelings then? I'm just flesh and blood, you know! Sort of. Eternity without a girl is definitely worse than hell. I'm not dust yet, I want to flirt and fall in love! Listen, moon, you may not like it, but I'm in love with this here slayer. She's pure as the moon, I have to kiss her. Moon, you'd better turn away, close your eyes, will you?

He moves in closer to her, his dark coat swaying behind him. He turns to gameface and grins. Then something makes him stop. He withdraws, giving place to a shadow that quickly walks up to Buffina. It is the Queen of the Joyce, with her ladies following. Far from the sweet mother of before, she is now serious and frightening. Buffina wakes up, and upon seeing her mother hugs her tightly.

BUFFINA: Mom! Did you come to get me?

The Queen is silent.

BUFFINA: Mom? What's wrong? Why are you looking at me like that? Mom, you're scaring me here!

The Queen of the Joyce, still silent, hands her a dagger. Then she starts to change. At first she is a raging woman, but gradually her face changes into a dark, shining demon, surrounded by similar faces.

THE QUEEN OF THE JOYCE: My blood is screaming for revenge. I call upon the blazing hell, death and despair! If you don't make SarGileso suffer and die, you're no longer my daughter! I'll shut my door to you, break all family ties, if SarGileso doesn't die from your hand. Listen, all Gods of Revenge, as I swear this!

She disappears, along with her ladies.

MONOSPIKEOS (suddenly leaning closer): Trust me! What are you afraid of? My love — or the murder you're planning?

BUFFINA: You know, I'm getting royally sick of your eavesdropping! How do you know...?

MONOSPIKEOS: I know everything! There's only one way to save you and your mother.

BUFFINA: No!

MONOSPIKEOS: No? Well, go ahead and die, then.

Buffina turns away, crying into her pillow. SarGileso leans over her.

SARGILESO: Buffina, what is it?

BUFFINA: Please don't punish my mother!

SARGILESO: Punish? My dear girl, you had a nightmare, that's all. I'll stay here with you until you have calmed down.

He sits down on the bed, holding Buffina close, and she relaxes in his arms.

SARGILESO: In these holy temples there is no such thing as revenge. If someone would fail, love leads him back to his duty, and led by friendship he reaches a better land. This is a place of love, where we forgive our enemies and no traitor can enter. He who doesn't like those teachings doesn't deserve to call himself human.

He rises and walks away from Buffina, patting her cheek. She smiles at him, but as she rolls over on her side she sees the dagger lying on her pillow, and she once again turns serious and frightened.

**********

Change of scene into another place in the house of trials, just as frightening as the first. The priestesses lead in Angelino and Papaxander and remove their blindfolds.

PRIESTESS KENDRA: The two of you will now go through your second trial. And don't forget to stay silent.

ANGELINO: Where is Buffina?

PRIESTESS KENDRA: You will see her soon, but you mustn't talk to her.

PRIESTESS FAITH: Papaxander, if you don't keep your mouth shut in here, the PTB will punish you.

They leave. Angelino sits down on a bench. Papaxander wanders around and suddenly sees a skeleton lying on the ground. He screams and runs back to Angelino.

PAPAXANDER: Angelino!

ANGELINO: Sh!

PAPAXANDER: I wish I was at home, or out in the woods... at least the birds would be singing there.

ANGELINO: Sh!

PAPAXANDER: But...

ANGELINO: Sh!

Papaxander takes up his music box and starts playing to cheer himself up.

PAPAXANDER: What I'd really like is a wife or girlfriend. That would make me a lot happier. Even eating and drinking would be more fun with a girl around. I'd be happier than a prince and enjoy life as if it were heaven. Can't just one single girl take a fancy to me? If I don't get a girl soon I'll die of grief, that's for sure. I'll be eaten up by my own passion... but just one kiss from a girl's soft lips, and I'll be fine. (Sighs) There's not even any water around here, much less a vending machine.

He is startled when a blue-faced, cloaked demoness comes in, offering a large cup of coffee.

PAPAXANDER: Is that for me?

He drinks, and immediately spits it out again. The demoness starts to laugh.

PAPAXANDER: Do you offer that kind of hospitality to all strangers?

DEMONESS: Yeah. Think of it as espresso.

PAPAXANDER: You don't get a lot of visitors around here, then, huh?

She shakes her head, still laughing, and he pulls her closer.

PAPAXANDER: Come on, sit down here next to me, time is going so awfully slow around here. Hey, how old are you?

DEMONESS: How old?

PAPAXANDER: Yes!

DEMONESS: If you must know... eighteen years and two minutes.

They're both laughing by now.

PAPAXANDER: Eighteen years and two minutes.

DEMONESS: Yup.

PAPAXANDER: Then I bet you even have a sweetheart.

DEMONESS: Absolutely!

PAPAXANDER: Is he as young as you?

DEMONESS: No, I'd say he's... ten years older?

PAPAXANDER: Ten years older? That must be a fine romance. So, what's his name?

DEMONESS: Papaxander.

PAPAXANDER: Papa... (suddenly realises what she said) Papaxander? No! Where is he then, *your* Papaxander?

DEMONESS (points at him): There he sits!

PAPAXANDER: What? I'm your sweetheart?

DEMONESS: Of course!

PAPAXANDER : ...Then.. what's your name?

The demoness finally wipes off what was only a beauty mask, and reveals herself to be Papacordy, in fact wearing green, feathery clothes under the cloak.

PAPACORDY: My name is Papacordy.

She disappears. Papaxander jumps up and calls her name, but can't find her. He runs about, trying to find her, and finally disappears in the darkness. Angelino is left alone, and plays the flute to comfort himself a little. It is getting darker. Buffina comes in, happy to see her love.

BUFFINA: Angelino! Angelino... Are you upset about something? Why won't you talk to me?

He turns away, listening in anguish as she pleads to him.

BUFFINA: Angelino, don't you love me anymore? ...It's gone then, is it? No more love, no more happiness for li'l old Buffina. I thought it was that perfect happiness clause that was troubling you, but I guess you're just a bastard by nature. And now you made me cry, too. Happy, now, Angelino? See? I'm crying for you. These are tears. Well, if you don't care anymore, I might as well go off and die.

She leaves. Angelino hides his face in his hands and weeps.

**********

Change of scene. It's dawn, and the scene shows a palace garden surrounded by bars. It is snowing. Buffina is walking through the garden, aimlessly. The three boys come down from the sky, somewhat more gracefully than last time.

BOYS: The sun is coming soon to announce morning to the world. Demons will disappear and wise men conquer. Bring some peace to mankind; then earth would be like heaven and mortals like Gods.

BOY WESLEY: Look, Buffina is upset!

BOYS DOYLE AND GUNN: Where is she?

BOY WESLEY: I say, she seems mad.

BOYS (all speaking at once): She's unhappy because he doesn't love her. – We have to comfort her, it's our duty to make sure she's safe. – Oh, I wish that love of hers was here. – She's coming, let's hide and see what she does.

Pamina is holding the dagger in her hand and speaking to it.

BUFFINA: So you're the one I'm going to end up with, huh? Well, that will take the pain away.

BOYS (aside): What is she talking about? She's crazy!

BUFFINA: Just have some patience, and I'll be all yours. Your own little wife.

BOYS: Now that's madness that could rival Drusilla's, with suicidal on top. Hey, girl, look at us!

BUFFINA: I want to die! He doesn't love me anymore, and I can't bring myself to hate him. My mother gave me the dagger.

BOYS: The PTB aren't too fond of suicide.

BUFFINA: I'd rather die from this than from a broken heart. Oh, mom, I suffer through you, and I can't get your curse out of my head.

BOYS: Now, be a good little Slayer and come with us instead.

BUFFINA: It's all so painful. Goodbye, you little liars! Hey dagger, look at this! I know where to hit, I've stabbed people before.

She tries to stab herself, but the boys restrain her.

BOYS: Stop it! If your love could see what you're about to do, he would die from grief. You're all he cares about.

BUFFINA: What? Are you sure he really loves me? Then why did he turn away from me? Why didn't he speak to me?

BOYS: Sorry, we're still all on a need-to-know basis here. But at least we can take you to him. You'll be surprised to see how much you mean to him, that he would even die for you. Come, we will take you to him.

BUFFINA: Then lead me there, I can't wait to see him!

ALL: No one can keep two lovers apart. If the PTB protect the two, no enemy can ever stand a chance.

**********

Change of scene. A garden at winter, with no leaves, and it's snowing. There is a big tree in the middle of the garden, and Papaxander is circling around it, calling with his Pan pipe.

PAPAXANDER: Papacordy! Papacordy! Papacordy! Baby, sweetheart, beautiful! No use, she's gone. Nothing ever works out for me. I just kept on blabbering, even though I wasn't supposed to. It's my own fault. Oh, since I got a taste of this, saw that pretty face, I'm burning inside, my heart is beating all over the place. Papacordy! Sweetheart! Papacordy! Honey! It's no use, all for nothing. I'm tired of life. If love is going to burn like that, at least dying will put a stop to it.

He takes the rope from around his waist and throws it up around a tree branch.

PAPAXANDER: I'll hang myself from this tree, put the noose well around my neck, because there's no pleasure in life anymore. Goodnight, you cruel world! You treated me badly, I never got the girl, and so I'm killing myself. Pretty girls, give me a thought. (Something occurs to him.) Won't just one of you hold me, before I hang, just once more some time in bed, or else I'm a gonner! Just call: yes or no! No one hears me; all is quiet... (looks around) ...all, all is quiet. So this is what you want? Papaxander, get up quickly! End your life! (Looks around again) I'm still waiting, but just until I've counted to three. (He pipes, with a smile on his face) One! (Pipes again and looks around. The smile disappear.) Two! (Looks around again.) Three... Well, come on then, it's settled. Nothing's holding me back. Goodnight, cruel world.

He sets the noose around his neck and prepares to hang himself, but the three boys suddenly show up, each throwing a snowball in his face.

BOYS: Oh, stop, stop, Papaxander, and be sensible. Your only life will be wasted if you die.

PAPAXANDER (sputters): It's easy for you to make fun of me, but if you felt what I do I bet you'd be pretty desperate for wives yourself.

BOYS: So start the bells ringing then, and she'll come.

Papaxander stares at them, then at his music box.

PAPAXANDER: Boy, am I an idiot! I forgot about it. Ring, little bells, ring! I want to see my girl. (He starts playing.) Ring, little bells, ring! Bring me my girl! Ring, little bells, ring! Go get my love!

As Papaxander plays, the snow melts, the trees are overgrown with leaves and flowers, and a soft note in the music indicates that something else is there that wasn't before.

BOYS: Papaxander, look around!

He does, and finds Papacordy suddenly standing right in front of him.

PAPAXANDER: Pa Pa Pa...

PAPACORDY (imitating him): Pa Pa Pa...

PAPAXANDER: Pa Pa Papacordy!

PAPACORDY: Pa Pa Papaxander!

PAPAXANDER: Have you really been sent to me?

PAPACORDY: I have really been sent to you.

PAPAXANDER: Then you'll be my wife!

PAPACORDY: Wife!?

PAPAXANDER: That's the way they talk in these operas. It's never just dating.

PAPACORDY: Oh. Okay. Yeah, I will, and you will be my one true love.

They're still dressed for winter, but beginning to do something about that, pulling off each other's boots, mittens, and so on.

BOTH: My dear little wife/one true love! We'll be so happy if the PTB take care of us, and through our love we will have little children.

PAPACORDY: Hang on, children?

PAPAXANDER: Maybe not right *now*...

PAPACORDY: Another one of those opera things?

PAPAXANDER: Yeah.

PAPACORDY: Okay then.

PAPAXANDER: First a little Papaxander.

PAPACORDY: Then a little Papacordy.

PAPAXANDER: Then another Papaxander.

PAPACORDY: Then another Papacordy.

They're beginning to get agitated.

PAPAXANDER: Papaxander!

PAPACORDY: Papacordy!

PAPAXANDER: Papaxander!

PAPACORDY: Papacordy!

Their faces soften and they smile.

BOTH: It would make me very happy if many, many, many Pa-pa-pa-pa-xanders and Pa-pa-pa-pa-cordys bless their parents...

They walk off together.

**********

Change of scene. It is time for the Angelino's third trial, and the priests watch with great interest. Buffina is also watching, and priestess Kendra walks up to her.

PRIESTESS KENDRA: Your Watcher has given you permission to visit Angelino in the House of Trials to give him back his flute. I have been told to show you the way. Come now.

PRIEST(ESSE)S: Oh, friends, what joy we feel! The sunshine has banished the darkness of night. Soon the Prince will have a new life, and be completely on our side. He is brave and pure, and soon he will be worthy to be one of us.

Angelino is led in to the entrance of a cave, by the two Soldiers Riley and Graham. There is an inscription over the entrance, carved in stone.

SARGILESO: Angelino, it is time for your third and most difficult test. Pass ths and you can have it all. Wisdom, Kick-Ass, Good Acting... even that moment of perfect happiness we've all heard so much about for these past five seasons.

ANGELINO: And to think I was nervous about the outcome of this.

SOLDIERS (reading the inscription): He who travels this path with burdens, is purified by fire, water, air and earth; if he but conquers the fears of death he will ascend from earth to heaven. Enlightened he will then be able to devote himself to the service of the gods.

ANGELINO: I'm not afraid of dying, I want to do what's right. Open the gates, I will face the fears behind them happily.

He is about to go inside, when Buffina comes running.

BUFFINA: Angelino, wait! I want to see you!

ANGELINO: What was that? Buffina's voice?

SOLDIERS: Yes, it was Buffina's voice.

ANGELINO AND SOLDIERS: Oh, great, then she can come with me/you. Fate will no longer part us/you, even if we die.

ANGELINO: Am I allowed to talk to her?

SOLDIERS: You are.

ANGELINO AND SOLDIERS: How wonderful to go through this hand in hand. A woman who is not afraid of night and death is worthy to join the temple. We firmly deny the accusations that this is a misogynist play.

The gates are opened, and the lovers hug for a moment before going inside.

BUFFINA: My Angelino! I'm so happy!

ANGELINO: My Buffina! I'm so happy! But these gates lead to danger and might be our death.

BUFFINA: Yeah, big news there. Think I'd let you go alone? Come on, we've both been killed off this show before, and we always come back. I'll lead you through this place, and love will lead me. (She takes his hand, leading him inside.) There may be roses growing on this path, because roses come with thorns. Now, play the magic flute, it will protect us on our way. In a magical night filled with thunder, my father cut it out from a thousand-year-old oak. Come now, and play it, it has power to protect us.

BUFFINA, ANGELO, SOLDIERS: We/you walk safe and happy through darkness and death, protected by the music.

Angelino starts playing, and the two of them go through deep tunnels filled with fire. Demonic creatures are dancing inside the fire. Hands reach out to grab them, demon faces spurt out flames through their mouths, but the lovers aren't harmed. They reach the other end of the tunnel and prepare for the next.

BUFFINA AND ANGELINO: We passed through the fire, brave enough to stay unharmed. One down, one to go. Let's just hope music works on water as well as fire.

Angelino keeps playing as they enter the new tunnel. It's full of waves that roll towards them, but never quite reaches their path. Like the fire, the water is filled with demons, dancing with the flow, reaching out to grab them. The two lovers keep walking and finally come back up to the temple gates, which are thrown open. Angelino and Buffina step up into the light.

BUFFINA AND ANGELINO: Oh PTB, that was something! And now we can be perfectly happy!

They look at each other as they realise what this means, and try to sneak off for some quality time when they are interrupted by the chorus.

CHORUS: Triumph Triumph! Oh, noble couple, you have conquered all dangers! You are now both members of the temple, so come on inside!

SarGileso's people hang flowers on Angelino and Buffina, who smile at each other and - somewhat more strained - at the people around them.

**********

Change of scene. Monospikeos is waiting in the dark, raging with hate. The Queen of the Joyce and her ladies come to join him. They have replaced their veils with armour, ready for battle.

MONOSPIKEOS: Now, quiet, all, we're about to break into the Temple.

LADIES (passing it on): Quiet, all, we're about to break into the temple.

Monospikeos and the Queen are leading the ladies, and he turns to her:

MONOSPIKEOS: But Queen, keep your word! I want to have your Buffina.

QUEEN OF THE JOYCE: I'll keep my word. I want you to have my Buffina.

LADIES: Her child will be all yours.

There is a sound of thunder, followed by rushing of water.

MONOSPIKEOS: Quiet! I hear something frightening... it's like thunder and waterfalls.

THE QUEEN AND HER LADIES: Yes, we hear it too, it's like thunder far away.

They're beginning to get nervous, but Monospikeos shrugs away the feeling.

MONOSPIKEOS: They're inside the temple now.

ALL BADDIES: We're going to capture and kill them there. All the good guys will be killed with fire and swords.

LADIES AND MONOSPIKEOS: Our revenge is a sacrifice to you, oh Queen.

They close in on the temple, and for a moment there is total darkness and silence. Then light breaks through the ceiling, blinding the ladies and causing Monospikeos to burst into flames. A strong wind brings them all down, and there is a moment of chaos before the final crash.

ALL BADDIES: Our power has been destroyed, we're thrown into eternal night.

They all disappear. Sun is filling up the place, and in the middle of it all stands SarGileso, shining like the sun himself. He calls upon the feast to continue.

SARGILESO: The sunshine drives away the night, and evil with it.

PEOPLE: Hurray! Hurray for Angelino and Buffina who have gone through the darkness. Thank you SarGileso, for everything you have done for us. Wisdom, Kickass and Good Acting has all been crowned in glory by our victory!

The feast continues, but SarGileso is leaving without drawing any attention to himself. The flute floats into his hands, and for a moment he contemplates blowing it, but lays it aside. The three boys are waiting for him, and haul him into the sky with them, all disappearing from view. Where to, nobody knows.

**********

Before the story ends, we once again catch a glimpse of Papaxander and Papacordy, having their own little private party, dancing and kissing. They're surrounded by small children, all wearing green clothes decorated with feathers.

**********

END OF OPERA


End file.
